What Distance Has Taught Me

Two years isn't long. A lot of people would still consider Adam and I newlyweds. Or just barely out of the newlywed phase. But as we are preparing to celebrate our anniversary I have been reflecting a lot. I have been using the last month specifically to reflect. And at the end of the day, here is what distance has taught me. A long distance relationship and a long distance marriage. About love. About trust and communication. And most of all about what a relationship really is.

I can tie it back, all my thoughts and all my reflection, to what I would consider the hardest month of my marriage, actually my life, so far. And it has a million lessons in it. The week started with my breaking my blog. Seems like a really silly thing to be upset about. But I was. Seriously, all my posts all my everything had disappeared while I was trying to switch my URL to my new brand. It was like at night. like 11pm... which means it was 2am where Adam was. And he had already been asleep for a few hours. I text him probably ten times. And then I called him time and time again until he picked up. And when he finally did I couldn't even speak. I was crying hysterically. After about 20 minutes of me sobbing and Adam saying, "There must be a backup somewhere... things dont just disappear." I started to tapper off. I got so tired I just needed to go to bed. We prayed over the phone for comfort, and I was out like a light.

Next day. Blog still broken. I frantically got in contact with my hosting company. They fixed it. So, why stop there? Onto the next issue.

Work. I had work. And I had been struggling with my job to begin with. I had a few rough patches here and there. I wasn't sure if I was made for the job I was doing. I went in to meet with my boss. And she told me I wasn't acting like I was made for the job. It was a low blow for me. To be totally honest, I have never had to work that hard. That sounds silly when I say it out loud. But things have been pretty easy for me. So to hear that a job that I was killing myself to do, and it was so rough for me wasn't panning out. Low. Blow. Oh, and to end that conversation? My boss told me I wouldn't be able to take time off to go see my husband for our anniversary because someone else had already requested it off. Which meant I wouldn't see Adam for another almost two months. I walked to my office feeling sick. And embarrassed. And just beat down. I text Adam, "Can you talk?" And he said, "Yeah." So I picked up and I dialed. And once again. I cried. And cried. I started with telling Adam how I couldn't do my job. And I ended with telling him I wouldn't be coming to visit him for our anniversary.

Now this work issue carried for a few days. I cried that night. I talked to my parents. I cried. I talked to anyone. I cried. The fact that I felt defeated at work was hard enough, but knowing that I wouldn't see my husband for a long time really beat me down. Like ripped me apart. And even though I was at my lowest low, Adam took the time to talk to me every minute he could. To build me up. And even though I didn't listen, he kept trying. We prayed. We talked. And I hoped I would get the strength from somewhere.

On a regular basis I still get anxious at work, like am I going to do something that upsets someone? Are they going to be watching me so closely so I mess up? But that is beside the point. I am at a point now where I can really work hard. And I am learning to deal with a job that has kicked me down the stairs ten times. Then there was the flooded house. Then there was the medicine that made me so ill. Then there was Adam's arm which appears to be injured slightly again. Then there was I am sure other things that I can't even remember.

It might just sound like I am rambling at this point. But I am getting to the point right now. So why am I telling you about the hardest times I have experienced so far? Because it all lends a part to the story of the time apart for Adam and I. Because if you remember, Adam and I are living in different states right now. And so all these trials are happening while we are 1800 miles apart. And this distance is teaching me valuable lessons.

Marriage is a lot more than the time together. So often I have women tell me, "I could never be apart from my husband that long." Or something like, "We've only ever been apart 10 days in our whole 5 years being married!" And while the time together is something wonderful, the time apart it teaching me to appreciate Adam.

The distance has taught me the importance of communication. And not just the, how was your day, lets eat dinner and cuddle while we watch TV communication. But the real communication. The discussions about hard things like what are we going to do if this career path we picked doesn't work out or what is the root cause of you being so grump and irritated right now? We can't just kiss and makeup and hope that tomorrow both of us will be over it. Because we don't have those options. We have to actually sit down and discuss and communicate our thoughts and feelings.

We have to open up about our hard days. We can't just say, "My day has been hard because of x, y, and z and just being with you is going to make it better." Because when x, y, and z happen... we only have the option to talk about it. And really explain that those things happened because of something we are doing, or not doing, and we have to be honest with ourselves too. And then together we figure out solutions for things.

The distance has taught me to be up front, even if it might not be Adam's favorite thing to hear. I am the queen of telling people things are fine when they are not. Of down playing my anger and my disappoint. And when we are apart I try to do it even more. Because I don't want Adam to feel guilty for leaving me home alone in the summer. I want him to enjoy his time and I want him to think everything is wonderful here. But I have learned, despite what other people suggest, to wear it all on my sleeve. To tell Adam when I am unhappy. And when things are rough. And when I just wish so badly I could be with him, because it makes us appreciate the great times even more. And it helps us learn how to manage the hard times even.

But most of all, the distance has taught me to appreciate the time I do get with my husband. The face time. The one on one time. The small moments. The little laughs. The silly memories. The dates. The hold hands. The kisses. The meals cooked. The times he does the dishes because he knows I hate doing them. I appreciate those things more than I ever would because I don't always get to look over, see his face a few feet from mine, and reach for his hand.

Distance has taught me that in order to be the best couple, we have to be our best selves. We have to open up and be completely raw and real with our feelings and our insecurities. Because the only way I am going to be better is if Adam and I can talk through what I need to do to be better. And what steps I need from him, while he is 1800 miles away to support me in that. Marriage is about trust, planning, and support beyond words of comfort.

Long Distance Love

If you remember, Adam has been in Arizona and Montana living his baseball dream. And while he is there I have been in Utah and Idaho working my dream job and volunteering for Miss Idaho. We aren't in the typcial long distance relationship because we aren't just dating... we are married. But the same rules and feelings apply. Time apart is hard, but it doesn't have to be impossible. Here are some tips from our relationship that has made the time apart easier. We are keeping the spark alive through our long distance dating. And I truly believe our relationship will only be stronger when he comes back.

1. Save your conversation.
Don't text all day, every day. Save your conversation for a nightly phone call. When you spend all day texting each other you will have nothing to say at night. During the day we will text each other questions, funny things that come up, quick snippets or a story that needs to be told while talking, and quick I love yous... but we are careful to share EVERY detail of our day throughout the day. We want to have meaningful conversation at night, not just a phone call because it "should happen".

2. Use technology to your advantage.
There are so many options to talk these days. It isn't just a letter or in person conversation. We have cell phones, text messaging, but - best of all - we have video chat. Whether you Skype, Facetime, or use Google+ - use technology to your advantage. It stinks not seeing my husband every day at home, but I can see him every day through the advances in technology. We have our very own Google Hangout every single night.

3. Pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
Pictures of what you are doing. Pictures of things going on around you. Pictures of yourself. Adam and I are the King and Queen of selfies. On an average day we spend anywhere from 20-30 photos... but sometimes when I know that Adam wont be at his phone for awhile, I will send him about 20-30 over a ten minute period. I like to see what Adam is up to. I like to see the field he is playing at. I like to see his new hat. I like to see his face. So we send photos. It is like I am there without being there.

4. Take advantage of time apart.
Obviously you are sad to be apart... but when you get sad think of all the things you have listed that you want to do when you "have some time"... then DO it! Take advantage of your time apart by doing things you have put off. Learn a new skill. Get a new hobby. Visit friends. Watch movies you know your significant other wont want to watch. Time apart doesn't have to be bad... it can be a time to grow more as an individual to make yourself better for when you are a couple together again.

5. Do things "together".
To do something together you don't have to be together. Your significant other is watching a show on TV? Sit down and watch the same show. You are watching a YouTube clip? Send them the link and then watch it at the same time over the phone. You can always find similar things to do in your different location... it helps put you on the same field.

6. Talk about the good times. And then look to the future.
We all have those moments that will always be special in our relationships. Take the time to talk about those moments. First date, a funny story, first conversation, a roadtrip, the list goes on and on. When you talk about the good times you prepare for more good times. One memory can lead to a plan for the future. When you think about good memories you think about the opportunities for the future, and not the time apart. It brings excitement to the next time you see each other.

7. Be positive.
Obviously you miss each other. Obviously you want to see each other. But crying on the phone, saying "I miss you" a million times, and talking about how difficult the distance is will only make the time apart harder. Be positive. You can easily make an I miss you positive - say I miss you and I cant wait to see you or I miss you, but we will have so much fun when I come out there... When you say "I miss you," don't make it a focal point of the conversation.

8. Make them a priority.
We are all busy. And we make ourselves more busy when we want time to move faster. But ALWAYS make time for your significant other - no matter how busy you are. Everyone has time to text message. And if you have time to text, chances are you have time for a phone call. Not all phone calls need to be an hour long. But waiting to go to bed, or stepping out of a movie for a few seconds, or walking away from your girlfriends shows they are a priority and it shows you want to talk to them.

9. Make the time seem shorter.
When talking timeline, what sounds more appealing, "Soon" or "5 Weeks"? If you said 5 weeks, good on you.. but I think soon sounds better. This one is big in my relationship with Adam. Over his 3 months away we will only see each other twice. Whenever we talk we discuss when we get to see each other next... we have found that saying soon or the number of days makes the time seem shorter than saying one month or five weeks. Find out what timeline sounds more appealing to you and make sure you take your significant other's feelings into account.

10. Say I LOVE YOU.
If you are in love, say it. If you are in like, say it. Anything you think, say it. There is nothing better than a few kind words to get through a hard time. And even though I miss Adam, hearing him say "I love you" or "I appreciate you" makes it easier. Because even though we are apart I can focus on the most important thing... we are in love. And that isn't going to change.

11. Fly, drive, or crawl.
And of course the last and most important. The only way to make long distance work is to MAKE SURE you see each other. Time apart is hard. But time together makes it worth it. No matter how long you are apart, make time to see each other at least once while you are apart. And if you can, take turns doing the visiting. And when you go visit them, plan out your trip. Don't just spend time holed in a hotel "catching up"... go out, explore, and have adventure! That will make the departure a lot easier. Because you aren't so sad to be apart after 24 hours a day of looking into each other's eyes, you have memories to build on for all your future conversations.

Have you ever experience a long distance relationship? What advice do you have? What made the time apart easier for you?