I have failed you. I have failed you all. I am so sorry. I did all this stuff to become the Bachelor franchise expert for my family and friends, and then I just went and abandoned you like a jerk. I apologize and if you never read another Bachelor franchise post from me I understand, but I also really hope you keep reading them. Because I will be sad if I lose you. Okay. Apologies out of the way. Let’s get on to all my thoughts and feelings from the last few weeks.
Basically this post could go one of two ways. I could recap everything or I can just tell you what I am thinking. And since recapping everything would take longer than what you are probably willing to read. I am just going to word vomit – that doesn’t sound too appealing, does it? – all the things going on in my head about Bachelorette.
First. I am really sad about Derek leaving because I actually really liked him… and had predicted he would go a lot further, thanks for busting my bracket Derek. But I can totally see why she sent him home. He was very needy. No one with that blue of eyes should ever feel needy. Obviously girls will just love him simply for eye color. Anyway – when he got home I went and found him on Instagram and PMed him to see if he would go out with my friend. Fingers crossed he actually answers. They would look cute together.
Big Bad Chad. GOOD BYE CHAD. What more can I say? Oh…. I know. I think ABC made a really good job of making you look nuts. I think you are two parts man needing anger management and one part man that is extremely sarcastic but comes off like a lunatic. Thank you for playing right into the hands of all of America. We appreciate it. We also appreciate you sharing your sheer disdain for the Bachelorette on your Instagram account. If you haven’t seen it – you gotta check it out. He also has since found Swimmer Robby’s ex girlfriend and posted photos making out with her on his account. Class act.
Okay… those are mainly the two guys that have left that I felt I needed to talk about. Moving forward to thoughts on those still left.
Chris Harrison. Yes, I consider him a contestant because he is single and I am still secretly hoping for a contestant to be like “forget all these dudes, I am going for Chris!” Keep up the good questions, Chris. And the date cards. We like that about you.
Alex. Oh little Alex. He is a handsome dude and seems totally normal height until you pan across the group and see the camera drop down so you can see his whole face and not just his forehead. I just wish that he didn’t have little man syndrome. I feel like he is just as bad as Chad, but since he is like friendly sometimes too the guys picked him. And also the Bachelor probably didn’t feel like they could make a midget an extremely short person the villain. However, I really hated his reaction to getting a rose last week. Dude, just be happy you got one because I thought she was sending you packing. I feel like his angry mannerism of getting what he called a “pity rose” was foreshadowing for the crazy that is about to come.
Chase. You seem great. You also seem slightly boring. And while I like you, I also don’t feel like your story is super strong right now. Which is why you will either disappear or you will end up winning like Catherine did. I wish you luck.
James Taylor. Such a solid guy. I wish that he was handsome enough to be the next bachelor because I think the world would love him. I am honestly surprised Jojo has kept him this long because he seems to goofy for her. But I will accept that she has. And I also thought you should all know we looked it up – he has a real job in addition to his singing and song writing.
Jordan. Well obviously when you smile the world smiles with you. Except for James. He will throw you under the bus. I wish upon you a better haircut. And I really hope that you dont have a girlfriend at home like the previews are hinting you might. That would not please me.
Luke. My favorite. Some people think he has creepy eyes and I just think he has a heart of gold. He has taken Derek’s spot in the final two for me. One part because I have always liked him and one part because Derek is gone so someone needed to fill the slot. However, I don’t love that you are always posting weird things on your Instagram. Okay, not weird, but not cool.
Ken… I mean Robby. He really does look like a Ken doll. I hear you left your girlfriend at home – via Chad – and now Chad is making out with her – also via Chad. I am interested to see how this one plays out for you. I feel like you are there as a fake and phony and we wish we never laid eyes on you! But seriously… he is there for the followers. Also, your Instagram is too perfect and we spotted your girlfriend on there before Chad announced it.
As you may have noticed by now… we spend out time watching the Bachelorette also looking them all up on social media – mainly Instagram. Because that is where the real dirt lies. I am looking forward to the drama coming our way. And that is how I feel. So tell me, who are your front runners? How are you feeling about the remaining crazies?
PS. Did you see the Bachelor in Paradise cast is starting to be announced? I cannot wait.
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